Daughters Sad Goodbye

47c9f46215d00a3a0be229becececc3c

His poverty of love betrayed every effort

and he settled for survival-

afraid even of comfort

a man alone in a mind framed by fear.

His death came as could be expected-

outside, nature fallen.

Along his years-

he was loved without knowing how to love, 

embraced not knowing how to hold, 

home not knowing how to father.

Yet in this moment, in this breath

he is today beloved.

 

photography courtesy of Sarah Vaughn

Birth of day #57

p1000007A year of days learning framed love circling hate

   disease stuck and captured

   with thoughts small and great.

Weeds purple miles traveled on mondays commute

     pressed edges of asphalt

     by wild flowered fruit.

Yet not many linger so driven so straight

    bound to mark souls

    captured and saved.

I wake now to birth from life to my life

    from breath to a death

    grace sun-kissed in now.

1st position

20160607_slt4529-197nikCicadas fading hum meets the cool morning breeze

with a call and response litany among the usual flight of birds

except geese in formation against the wind directly pointed

while the lutheran’s sanctioned bell begs their ordered migration.

It is Sunday.  

It is the day the trees dance in 1st position to know Sabbath’s touch. 

 

photography via Stephenltyler.

 

Eternal Life

abandoned

Maybe it’s just restlessness

     in the perpetual grind of a broken spirit.

Maybe it’s fearfulness

    in the gasp of life without meaning.

Maybe it’s loneliness

    in want of being home where I can be we.

It’s definitely unstable

    with steps not leading to a lone path.

It’s definitely noisy

   with doubts out-crying a rhythm in dissonant tunes.

It’s definitely me

   in a space holding it all

   in a matrix of twisted becoming

   in quest for a soul – everliving.

 

photography courtesy of Pat Cegan

 

Sweet spot

bittersweet-15-12-_4657.gif
“bittersweet” courtesy of Phillip Schwarz

A journey to stay connected and embraced leaves you vulnerable and obvious. 

You will not be strong all the time.

A journey to be present even among shame and pain leaves you broken.

You will not win.

A journey with the sun leaving for winter and then back again leaves you tired.

You will change.

A journey to find your place with strangers at the table will leave you hungry.

You will know–bittersweet.

Tales in Time

Holidays always carry an energy of remembering.  This season included table talk with my mother, the heroine, of many sad and ugly tales…her memories of life from a darker side of life.  I know few whose life embodies “survival” as hers does.

The tales, however, have left me grieving a heritage of pain.  I am most sickened by tales of my middle name. I learned I am the name sake of a Jane who guised humiliation and murder with postures of rescue and embrace. I am that Jane who battled for a baby not mine by stealing from a mother in a court of law, that Jane who arranged a drowning at birth to hide the shame of a holy seed in a less holy womb, that Jane who welcomed only to the basement the lesser ones in the unsanctioned family tree.

I have asked myself this new year, “who am I really?” What does the power of my name speak in the circles of life?  What part of this heritage have I carried to daughters and granddaughters?  How can I redeem time in my life as Jane?

I will start by saying I prefer the name Lolly.

No Place like Home

The walk of life requires some places of surety and sound footing. There needs some protection, some cover in the walk through the hurt and fear layering the everyday path.

It’s all about the shoes.

You need to make your own. 

Unknown

You cannot wear another’s shoes- even if they seem to fit and look more fresh.  They will blister the soul… you will die with them on. Your shoes belong to your journey.

Such shoes are crafted by the pain of a specific life, in how one survives the losses, walks through harsh words and even self judgements. The fabric is rich in the blood of sacrificed wants and dreams- the binding and seams, though, sewn with Love, God-breathed and polished. This is what makes them strong enough to make the climb and last the dance.

Like Dorothy who trusted her shoes to take her home, there is a trust in the walk home, finding the ways and places of self knowing and healing– standing in your own shoes.

Women Who Run With the Wolves; “The Red Shoes” C.Estes. 1992.
The Wizard of Oz; L.Frank Baum. 1900.